My 24/7 Internet Help Hotline

I was a little irritated at 2:00 a.m. when I answered the phone.

Before I could bark out a grumpy "hello" I heard, "Man, you never told me how totally amazing this was!"

It was the voice of my old buddy Slug, whom I have been helping to connect with the internet. For the past week he has been living on Red Bull and three hours of sleep each night. He's got a bad case of NIFS -- Newbie Internet Fever Syndrome.

"Slug," I said wearily, "You have got to quit calling me in the middle of the night. Some of us have to work for a living, you know."

"Bro, I'm sorry, I keep losing track of time. Is it really night now? No wonder I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since lunch."

"Slug, I warned you that the internet could be addictive. You have to make yourself take a break. Get some sleep! And quit calling me!"

"Dude, I can't help it! You never told me how much I had been missing. To think of the years I've wasted!"

"Slug, get a grip. It's just images on a screen. There is more to life than burning your eyes out staring at a computer monitor."

"You don't understand, man! You know what my life has been like -- just scraping by on dead-end jobs, can't keep a steady relationship, living paycheck to paycheck. But not anymore! I can never thank you enough for hooking me up with this computer."

I was wide awake by then, so I decided to humor him. "Slug, what are you talking about?"

"I have been getting the most amazing emails all night long. There's a beautiful, lonely Russian farm girl who wants to move to America and marry me. I think I have finally found a free cure for my E.D., and now I can earn a college degree without ever leaving home.

"Bill Gates is going to send me a check for $37,000 for forwarding an email to 50 friends, and the Nigerian Interior Minister notified me just an hour ago that I can earn a quick $250,000 by helping him set up a bank account for surplus Nigerian government funds!"

OOPS -- apparently I had forgotten to warn Slug about SPAM while I was coaching him on how to use email.

"Wow," I deadpanned, "I bet you can also find a way to make a 2,000% profit by investing in penny stocks."

"How did you hear about that?" he asked suspiciously. "That is an insider secret, and I had first dibs on that tip."

"Slug, Slug, Slug...do you believe everything you read in the newspaper?"

"The newspaper? Are you kidding? The only thing newspapers are good for these days is wiping..."

"Slug, listen to me -- think of the internet as a huge world-wide digital newspaper. No, think of it as a huge digital National Enquirer, without an editor, and every crack-smoking, rip-off, sleazeball con-artist on planet Earth is a special correspondent. You can't believe everything you read. In fact, you can't believe almost any of it. It's called SPAM."

To my surprise, Slug was speechless. I was worried about him. It can be dangerous when you come crashing down off of Red Bull at 2:00 a.m., especially on an empty stomach. And then I heard him softly mutter one word -- "Bummer."

"Slug, are you okay?"

"No lonely Russian farm girl?"

"Sorry, buddy. No."

"No check from Bill Gates? No 2,000% profit? No $75 an hour working from home?"

"No, no, and...no."

"Bummer."

"Slug, I'm sorry. I should have warned you about SPAM, but we were up until 3:30 that night getting you online, and there was so much to show you -- I just didn't have enough time or energy to explain everything in one night."

"No prob, bro," he sighed, "I think I'll just shut this down for the night and crash."

"I think that's a good idea, Slug."

Suddenly he shouted through the phone, "Dude, you won't believe the message box that just popped up on my screen!"

"Slug, calm down! Calm down! We haven't had time to discuss instant messaging yet!"

"Oh man! There are some college girls who want to party right now! I've gotta go man, I need to pick up another 6-pack of Red Bull at the 7-11."

"Slug, don't hang up! Slug! Slug?"

It was too late. I had lost him.

First thing tomorrow, I'm buying some stock in Red Bull. I got a tip that it might go up as much as 2,000%.