Tuesday, September 21, 2010

What I Learned Today at School

I like to think of life as a kind of continuing adult education program. I possess several degrees from the School of Hard Knocks, and I am particularly proud of my Working Man's PhD.

If you are paying attention you will, in fact, learn something new every day. I learned several new things just this evening, so in the interest of my readers' enlightenment, I will be happy to share these recent life-lessons with you. Pay attention, there may be a quiz later.
When cooking with a wok, I find that an aromatic wok oil consisting of a blend of garlic, ginger, sesame and soybean oils imparts a delicious flavor to a healthy batch of home-made Vegetable Lo-Mein. Ideally, your wok will be just hot enough to cause the wok oil to smoke when you drizzle it into the wok immediately before adding your vegetables.
If you become distracted and allow the wok to become "blue hot" before you add the wok oil, the wok oil will quickly vaporize, burst into a fireball, and become a blazing inferno atop your stove.

The fireball is likely to cause you to reflexively jump back, which can result in you spilling wok oil on the kitchen floor and all over the front of your shirt.

Your wife will not be pleased when she walks into the kitchen and notices that there is an inferno on the stove, even if it is safely contained within your wok.

Never attempt to extinguish an oil fire with water. You should smother the fire with a large towel, but preferably not your wife's favorite new Pampered Chef's terry cloth print towel, even if it is the closest thing within reach.

After the blaze is extinguished, a dedicated chef will resume preparing his recipe, carrying on as if nothing unusual has happened, despite the smokey working conditions.

Burnt wok oil imparts an appetizing "fire-roasted" flavor to the vegetables in your lo-mein.

Wok oil stains are difficult to remove from a cotton shirt, and so is the smell of garlic and ginger.

Wok oil imparts a lovely sheen to the vinyl tile on your kitchen floor, and could be used in a pinch if you happen to run out of Mop n' Glo.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Questions, Questions, Questions

Happy to report that Mrs. Smith and I had a great time in downtown Indy at the Ribfest this past Sunday evening. One of my favorite bands, Collective Soul, played for 90 minutes to close out the festivities for that day.

During the concert, I engaged in one of my favorite past-times: people-watching. There was quite a diverse crowd of BBQ lovers on hand, and since that excursion, some stray questions have crossed my mind, which I will now share with you, in no particular order.

1. How would I look with a spiked yellow Mohawk?

2. Am I the only person in Indianapolis without a tattoo?

3. Would I look younger if I wore plaid boxer shorts and let my jeans slide halfway down my butt?

4. How much does it hurt to have your tongue pierced?

5. Can you really get people to give you money by leaning against a lamp post and shaking a plastic cup?

6. Who has time to write graffiti inside a port-o-let?

7. Who keeps a toddler up until 10:30 at night and takes him to a concert without hearing protection?

8. How far do you have to move away from a crying toddler so that you can enjoy the concert?

9. Why did I wear a white shirt to a Rib Festival?

10. After all these years, does Peggy ever get tired of cleaning me up?

11. If the street is dark and there is no policeman to see you, is it still jaywalking?

12. Why is there only one bench in Military Park?

13. Should women whose waist size exceeds their bust size wear tank tops in public?

14. How much does it cost to cover your entire upper torso in tattoos?

15. Would I feel self-conscious if I had a piece of metal stuck through my nose?