Why Can't I Get Anything Done?

After weeks of monsoon rains, there was a sunny day last week that presented me with a golden opportunity to complete some outdoor chores.

I was burning up with spring fever, and decided to finish replacing the exterior siding on my tool shed.

It took me about ten minutes to find my extension cord, circular saw and drill. I started spreading my lumber out onto the grass when I realized I didn't have my tape measure.

Hmmm...tape measure, tape measure...what did I do with that tape measure?

As I pondered this, my neighbor strolled over to the fence and began talking to me. Since I have a one-track mind (which is easily de-railed) I really wasn't in the mood for chit-chat at that moment, but I didn't want to be rude, since my neighbors are nice, and I stopped working so we could yak for a while.

After the gab session, I returned my focus to the task at hand. I decided to start by trimming out the plywood siding on the shed with some 1x4 pine boards. Then I remembered: I still needed to find that tape measure!

I walked back into the house to look for it, and heard the phone ringing. When I answered it I was thrilled to hear a digital voice giving me the exciting news that I had won an all-expenses paid Caribbean cruise, and that if I pressed "1" for more information I could book my reservation today!

How lucky can a guy get?

After hanging up the phone, my bladder reminded me that I had business to take care of inside. While visiting the throne room, I discovered an interesting article in Fortune magazine that detailed some exciting new investment opportunities for my vast retirement portfolio. (I will be able to retire by 2052 if I can figure out how to live on 500 calories a day and also talk one of my kids into letting me live in a back bedroom rent-free.)

After washing up, I stopped in the kitchen to get a glass of ice water. Noticing the ice cube supply was low, I took a minute to fill the tray and put it into the freezer. That's when I saw the fudgecicle, so I grabbed it and sat out on the porch for a few minutes to slurp it down.

It occurred to me that I still needed that tape measure. I thought I had seen it in the garage, so I spent about 10 minutes out there searching the shelves, but never did find it. Hmmm...maybe I had left it out in the shed.

As I walked out the back door, the neighbor kids on the other side of my yard called me over. I stopped to talk to them, and they asked me if I had any extra wood that they could use to build a lemonade stand. I told them I'd be happy to let them have whatever was left over after I finished working on my shed. (I didn't have the heart to tell them that at the rate I was going, they'd be able to sell lemonade to their grandchildren.)

I walked back over to the shed, and started looking around for the tape measure. I was really starting to get irritated. So far it had taken me 90 minutes to go to the bathroom, fill up the ice cube tray, and eat a fudgecicle.

Where was that freakin' tape measure?

I finally decided to forget about any carpentry work, and just finish staining the wood trim that I had laying in the grass so that it would be ready to put up whenever I finally found my tape measure.

As I started stirring the wood stain I felt the first drops of rain on my neck. I looked up to see a line of menacing dark clouds moving in from the west. Apparently I was not destined to accomplish anything that day. I frantically started gathering up my power tools and putting them into the shed. Then I picked up the lumber and stacked it inside the shed against the north wall, right next to a shelf.

I looked down on that shelf, and there, right where I had put it, was the tape measure. I swear I heard it laughing at me.